Okay, so I'm not the best at keeping a journal...not even an online one. We've moved again and I think I've lost count on how many times that has been in the past five years, I don't want to even think about it. The good thing about this time is that we're in our own place and I only have to worry about room mates, not any pesky parents with their own guidelines and rules. I really appreciate everything Jayne did for us, but when it comes down to it, hell I'm fucking free. I am worried about finding a job, really worried, since the transfer thing didn't go through like I thought it would. I'm feeling a little stressed, but I'm trying to let it not bog me down. There are other things that need to be on my mind, and I can't function properly if I'm worried about being homeless in a couple of months instead of focusing on the task at hand.

Amanda and Denise seem to be getting on pretty well. We watched Denise, my sister, play with Amanda's Rain Stick last night. It was kinda cool, I never thought that Denise wouldn't remember the sound of rain, even though she lost her hearing at a young age. I shouldn't say lost, it's just very difficult for her to hear. She has hearing aids and they help a little, but she still doesn't understand most of what people say unless they speak very loud and look straight at her. Amanda's far more anti-social than I had imagined. I guess sometimes you just don't realize things. I'm not saying it's bad, but it's a good thing she doesn't work retail, or there would be a lot of pain inflicted on the masses. Not that they wouldn't deserve it...well some of them wouldn't, but it's fun to think about.

I'm having issues sleeping without David. During the day I'm okay, but I get really bored. I love the silence, but I like his chaos more. I've had noise and obscenely loud laughter for the past five years, now everything is quiet and I'm not quite sure how to deal with that. It makes for a very boring life. I think I'd rather have him irritating the hell out of me than another moment of silence. It was nice the first two nights, but I'm lonely and I don't know what to do. Dave would stay up with me until I slipped into sleep, restless as it may be, but everyone here keeps to themselves and goes to sleep rather early. It's just really strange not having the noise and child-like behavior that makes up David.

I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving tomorrow. I thought I would be, but it terrifies me; the prospect of facing a large group of people, related though they may be. I just...David chases off people he knows I can't deal with, or he acts like a brooding ogre and it makes people miraculously go away before they have a chance to send me into a panic attack. I might take up residence in a closet tomorrow if it gets to be too much, or I'll walk home. Hooray for being close to family?

I'm having issues sticking with weight loss. It's my fault, and no one else's. I just can't seem to stick to anything, and it doesn't help that my boyfriend always gets me dinner before I can get home. I might just have to have a talk with him about it. I've already told him no fast food or Chinese food, but yet again the past couple of nights I've come home from work, there is food from both places waiting for me. I don't think he can comprehend how hard this is for me, and I don't believe in wasting food. I'm just going to talk to him, and tell him not to buy food for me anymore. I'm also going to have to stop buying hot pockets, and bringing sandwiches to work along with yogurt. It'll require me to stop being a lazy fuck, and get into a routine, but I can do it!

Here goes. I'm going to join sxephil, and start my own Project: Lose An Olsen Twin. I'll give myself roughly two years to lose 100 pounds, that means losing approximately 4 pounds a month. I believe that's a healthy start. I'll check back next week, and see if I've lost at least a pound. This means purchasing a nice scale, and there might be one at my work for around $24. :)

I am really looking forward to starting classes at the end of this month! It has been so long since I've been in school, and I can't wait to take my English Classes, though next semester, I plan on taking my Math requirements and Science. If I qualify for financial aid this semester, I will definitely take Spanish or Japanese next semester. I know that Spanish will benefit me more, because I live in Southern California, but I really want to take Japanese.

I just watched the video to Love the Way You Lie by Eminem ft. Rhianna, and I liked it. It was very interesting.

I'm on page 30 in my Story Plot, and i've only got, maybe five pages left, but I'm having issues with finishing it. I just need to push myself, and then I have to go through and make revisions and type it up. After all of that is done, I'm going to share it with my friends, see what they think, and then start writing up the novel itself. I might make revisions along the way, but I really like the way this one is coming. It keeps getting better as I go, and I love the way my protagonist is shaping.

Not much else to say.

IDK about summer songs, but my all-time favorites are:

Broken by Seether
Hello by Evanescence
I Don't Care by Apocalyptica

Well my laptop died, and it's only 3 months old...i'm sad and a little aggravated, so now I have to call HP. I'll have to deal with someone who can barely speak english, and because I have issues with hearing, chances are I won't be able to understand half the shit they say. I miss it, and I'm hoping that when I do get it fixed, it won't result in the loss of all the writing I have done on it. Peace out :P

I'm so tired, and I can't seem to catch up on any of the sleep that i've lost. I need to make myself sleep more. I don't want a repeat of a month ago.

I've been working hard on the Manga that Dustin and I started, so far I have ten pages of script, but they need to be edited. I want to edit those ten today, and then maybe write 3-5 more today. The important thing is that I keep up with it, and we finish it. The character's i've come up with are vivid in my mind, and I can't wait to see how Dustin draws them out. He lives all the way in Yucca, so it's nearly impossible for us to meet. I'm thankful for the internet and telephones, so we are able to keep in touch easily.

I'm waiting for that call back from Target, hopefully it'll say, can you come in for orientation today or tomorrow? If it does, I might have to scream, and then i'll need to go to Wal Mart or Target to buy my uniform--though I think Target will have better styles. David thinks that's it's okay to spend here and there, but it adds up, and I'm beginning to worry about the car bill. We're usually fine, so I won't freak out until we get there, but I know the week of the bills, David's goig to stress me out. He doesn't do it on purpose, he just doesn't pay attention, and unfortuanately there's a last rush to make sure we have enough. This includes yelling, and him saying he wasn't told, or that I did something wrong. Actually, it's really frustrating, and I feel like pulling out my hair. He says that his mom and I treat him like he doesn't know how to save, and it's because he doesn't. Saving means having money left after the bills are paid, and we never do. There's always like $20, and I hate it. Not that I'm perfect, but when we have food at home, we shouldn't be eating out.

Okay, so those were my stressors for the day. Adios! :)

So, this is the poem I wrote for Beltaine this year. It's my first one, so I'm kinda proud of it. Enjoy!

I call for the attention of the God and Goddess this Day of Beltaine.

Hear my voice and my prayers for your energies.

The days are growing longer and my will stronger.

Your blessings upon my soul are caring and whole,

And my spirit calls for your love evermore.

 

I pray, calling the Wind Spirits of the East.

I seek your power in Air,

And ask for the ability to think before I leap.

May the blessings of the Lord and Lady fly over Mother Earth always,

And allow me to learn from past mistakes.

 

I pray, calling the Wind Spirits of the South.

I seek your will in Fire,

And ask for the ability to change.

May the blessings of the Earth Spirits tend to my courage,

And lead me to seek the path of truth without fear.

 

I pray, calling the Wind Spirits of the West.

I seek your understanding for Water,

And ask for the gift of intuition.

May the blessings of the Ancestors calm my fervor,

And help me to accept the emotions of those around myself in peace.

 

I pray, calling the Wind Spirits of the North.

I seek the grounding of the Earth,

And ask for the gift of growth.

May the guidance of Gaia show me the path,

And lead my soul to the highest platau of wisdom.

 

The blessings of the Goddess are abundant,

As with her mate, the God, this Day of Belataine.

May the Children of Earth learn their love,

And in the twilight of hate,

Let the peace of the Great Spirits be shared and the Beltaine Fire's burn!

Actually, Tolerance 101 would be brilliant! Teaching people to accept and understande those around themselves is very important, and would be important to cultural understanding.

I went to my job interview at Target on Monday, and it went really well--they gave me a job offer. They said it should take a week for my drug test to come in, as well as my backgroud check, so I'm a little anxious. Last time I got a job offer at Target, it was recinded because I messed up my social security number, so of course I've been somewhat of a wreck.

I woke in a panic attack last night, and I had to take medicine to calm myself down. The thought of that worries me, like maybe I had the panic attack, and then the thought of it calming me down is what actually did, and not necessessarily the medicine itself. I say this because, right after I took the pill, I calmed down suffiently, and went right back to sleep. I'm no doctor, but I don't believe that medicine works that quick, which leave me to wonder if i'm addicted to the medication. I've only got one pill left, and the thought of it leaves me anxious, like I need to get more, but I know I can do this without the medication, so with David's help, I know I'll be fine.

I had another series of weird dreams last night. I wish I could remember them, but all I can remember is talking to Hope, this girl I used to work with at Dairy Queen before she joined the Army, and when I spoke to her, she said she had decided to join the Marines. I don't know if this meant anything, but I remember seeing a flash of a vertical old fashioned gravestone. I didn't see the named, and I can't remember if the stone appeared before the girl, but either way.

Oh, now I remember a part of my other dream. One day Jayne and I decide at the last moment, that the whole family should get on a plane, and go to a tropical island for Christmas. We went, and I know that it felt like heaven to me. There were odd elements in it though, like at one point I'm walking on the beach with David, and we come across a part of the sand that is hard, and looks like dinosaur skin. There was also a constant worry about money and bills between Jayne and myself, but no one else seemed to be worried.

Yesterday I spent eight hours working on story lines and character histories. It feels like I'm creating an entire new race or planet, which technically I am. My brain hurts after I'm done, and I find myself not able to think straight very well--like I've used up all my juices. One thing is for sure, a good night's sleep really helps. Beside's the fact that I had a panic attack, I actually slept pretty well, and I woke up hazy, but picked up pretty quick, and I feel ready to tackle my minions again. Peace out.

I just use my phone for calling other people, calendar, and texting. I don't use apps.